Big Vern and Tango Visitors
5th April 2011
Someone observed there has been a recent influx of so called 'famous' tango teachers from Argentina. Big Vern may have something to do with it. He is talking to two tangueras at Negracha...
BIG VERN: ...Not many people know dat der real story of Billy Elliot is abaht me. Me dad sent me to a ballet school to toughen me up. In dem days yer 'ad to be real 'ard to be a dancer. Remember dah movie, "Priscilla Queen of the Desert"? It was like dat. Those queens was real 'ard. They 'ad to be. Dey taught me how to look after meself, and how to dance as well.
TANGUERA 1: So that's why you're so light on your feet Vern?
BIG VERN: dat's right, and you're a very nice mover too, Georgina. You know how to dance with a real Tango connection.
TANGUERA 2: What abaht me, Vern? Am I nice to dance with.
BIG VERN: Of course you are, Jo, but I fink you would benefit from a private lesson and I know just the couple who could improve your axis and footwork.
TANGUERA 2: Oh really? Please tell me, Vern.
[BIG VERN LOOKS AROUND CAUTIOUSLY AND KNOWINGLY TAPS THE SIDE OF HIS NOSE.]
BIG VERN: [In a whisper] Right nah, there is a container ship in Harwich wiv two container with my name on. One has got a load of Kosher Argentine men dahncers and teachers and the other ladies. The Argentine economy has gone a bit pear shaped you see and they're desperate to work over here. They even paid me a grand apiece to get em over here. I got a flat for them to hole up but I have booked em into different places around Lahndon and outside.
TANGUERA 2: Are they any good, though as teachers?
BIG VERN: Of course they are, not only that but they will be able to speak English 'cos I gave them some lingua CDs to learn on their way.
And dat's not all; I've got another container with tango shoes. Not made in Buenos Aires but in a sweatshop in Bangkok. I call them "Comme-Il-Faux" - with an X - getddit? Faux means artificial like in Faux fur?
TANGUERA 1: Big Vern, You're nicked. I am in fact DC George Dickinson of Immigration Control.
TANGUERA 2: And I am DC Joe Lightfoot of HM Revenue & Customs.
BIG VERN: Bloody Hell! [Yells across dance floor] Sarn. Its the Old Bill. We gotta go!.
[ At the same time he reaches down to his very large shoebag and pulls out a sawnoff shotgun]
SANDRA: I CAN'T COME VERN. We're only in the second song of the tanda.
BIG VERN: You pigs wont take me alive! You were a lovely mover Jo but a farkin plod???!! I don't believe it!
TANGUERA 2: Give it up Vern. we've got the place surrounded...
[shooting ensues]
~ BorderTangoMan, 5th April 2011
Also See...